One of the things I have come to learn, is that the most significant spiritual growth does not occur in meditations or on a yoga mat.

It happens in the midst of conflict – when you are frustrated, angry or scared or bitter – or experiencing other uncomfortable feelings. These are the moments when the rubber really hits the road. You find you are doing the same old thing, and then the lightbulb moment, you realise that you do have a choice and you can do things differently.

By no means am I decrying meditation or a nourishing yoga session – and such.  It’s so important to do things that feel good and feed and nourish us. Our bodies have been very programmed not to feel nice – but we deserve it and it is our birthright. We truly need to cultivate such feelings so they become more natural and accordingly easier to attain – to flex the “feel-good” muscle.

Everything in the universe is constantly conspiring to show us who we truly are, and help us to wake up and return to ourselves. And it is in the midst of conflict, these ouchy situations that we might not want to experience that the greatest gifts are hidden. My heart leaps for joy whenever I find something uncomfortable, as I know there is gold on the other side if the experience. I say that somewhat hesitantly as I invariably have a human moment first when conflict arises, and certainly these human moments are not without value. Emotions need to be felt so they don’t become locked in our bodies and become trigger points. We are indeed human beings and have to have human experiences, but we don’t need to be defined by them.

And when the emotion has been felt, without buying into any story or narrative, I try to drop into the Ho’oponopono in order to resolve any conflict that is in the ether and to move myself to a more empowered space, where I am not so easily triggered or am attracting more discord, that is, to find the gold.

The word Ho’oponopono translates to “to make right” or “to correct.”  The fundamental belief behind Ho’oponopono is that our experiences, relationships, and challenges are often a reflection of unresolved issues or imbalances within ourselves and thus we are co-creators to whatever situation emerges. By addressing these imbalances and offering forgiveness – both to ourselves and to others – we can bring about healing and create a more harmonious existence.

This process is very empowering. By taking responsibility for the challenges in our environment, we can start to work consciously to ensure our lives are easier and sweeter. Simultaneously, the subconscious won’t be attracting so much conflict – as the wounds soften and ease lessening the impact on our energy field.

The practice of Ho’oponopono traditionally involved a group of people working together under the guidance of a spiritual leader to resolve conflicts. However, in modern interpretations, it has been simplified into a more personal and individual practice that anyone can use.

The Ho’oponopono is an ancient Hawaiian mantra, consisting of four lines:

I love you

I’m sorry

Forgive me

Thank you

These can be understood as follows:

1. I love you – The most powerful phrase, symbolising unconditional love and connection. Love is seen as the most healing force, and by saying “I love you,” you are creating a space for love to flow freely, both within yourself and in the relationships you hold
2. I’m sorry – Acknowledging responsibility for the situation or conflict. This phrase is not about blame but rather an acknowledgment of your role in the experience, even if it’s unconscious or indirect.
3. Please forgive me – A request for forgiveness, both for yourself and for anyone involved. This is a plea to release any guilt, shame, or anger that may be blocking peace.
4. Thank you – A gesture of gratitude. Expressing thanks for the opportunity to heal, learn, and grow, as well as for the forgiveness you are receiving.

These four phrases create a shift in consciousness, allowing you to let go of negative thoughts, judgments, and emotions and pave the way for more harmony in your life.

The Ho’oponopono first came to my awareness when I read about a Hawaiian therapist, who used to say it over his patient list. He got amazing results, even though he never saw any of his patients. News of his success spread and the power of the Ho’oponopono became known more widely.

It can be said at any time – essentially silently to yourself by dropping into your heart space and bringing to mind someone, something or an event where there is hurt, upsetment (is that a word?) conflict and saying the four short lines in your mind. You can even call yourself to mind and say it if you feel annoyed with yourself – and let’s face it, how much conflict do we carry around internally. It doesn’t need to be said physically to the other (I think that would be very weird and awkward).

It can be used before, during or after a difficult situation or encounter with another.

It very much aligns with the shamanic concept of coming into “ayni” or “right relationship” with everything and everyone.

Sometimes, I find it difficult to get past the first line if I am feeling particularly raw. That is fine, I try to give myself kudos for having tried and knowing the words will still be there at a later time. It may be that I need to let some emotion flow first, or perhaps seek a healing. Or just the time isn’t now.

Other times, I have to “fake it til I make it”. I may say the words from my head as opposed to the mind. I’ve learnt that over time, the heart will kick in and claim the words at some point.

Sometimes I only need say them once regarding a situation or a person. Other times, I need to say over and over again. It all depends on the situation, and your response, but you can trust your body will know what to do.

I need to say that if you can’t say it, you can’t. And there is no judgment. Sometimes the presenting issue is too great, there is damage or emotion that needs to be cleared first. So please be kind to yourself along the way and allow yourself to feel what you need to feel, or talk as you will. We are all doing our very best.

I have found it such a valuable conflict resolution approach.  Very often in conflict resolution, communication can be hard to come by. Egos, the need to be right, our old wounds play out. It can be particularly hard in family situations, where there may be deep and sensitive history, and karmas to navigate.

Work situations can be just as challenging. There is often a need not to lose face, or to look weak, or to be right – and so heels dig in. 

We may find someone using passive aggressive language. Or we may sense a vibe. Or someone may be directly mean – gloves off! Or we may find ourselves feeling anxious at the thought of being in touch with someone. However the situation presents itself, we can dip into the Ho’oponopono to change our energy and this changes our outer world.

It took me a long time to realise that it wasn’t weak to say the Ho’oponopono. It didn’t involve loss of face, it didn’t involve saying that something was my fault, or I was wrong. However, it did involve me changing my inner landscape, and acknowledging that it takes two to create a conflict. Somewhere within, there was something that had triggered the other to behave in such a way – even if it was unconscious. Or that I myself was triggered but I could change this. I try to remember that the universe is constantly conspiring to help us wake up – the tricky situations are designed to shine a little light into areas that may need attention and take us to the gold.

There are times when it sits outside my reach, outside my capacity to engage with it. The hurt may be too great, the emotion too strong, the situation too traumatic, the history too entrenched – or something else. These are the moments when we want to embark on a healing, we need someone else to give us a hand through. And we also need to ensure that we are kind to ourselves with it and not heap greater angst on the situation. All of us our doing our best. If we could be doing more, we would. Not being able to do it is no failure, but rather a strength as it is honest and authentic.

The benefits of the Ho’oponopono are many, and magical considering it is such a simple set of words.

First off, it’s a free resource!  It costs no money!  It’s available at any time of the day or night. They are just words that are accessible to all.

Secondly, it doesn’t bring any blame or judgment into a scenario and so doesn’t bring additional karma or keep the cycle of discontent going.

Thirdly, it is extraordinarily empowering. Humility is a sign of strength and by feeding these places, we grow in our own inner power, as opposed to validating our position as being wronged

Fourthly, it feels nicer! We do it for ourselves, as it opens us up into our heart space, the space of softness and strength. It’s much nicer and kinder to ourselves to feel generous towards someone rather than grumpy.

Fifthly by embarking on this course of action, we change our own energy and so we start to attract more nourishing and pleasant experiences.   

Finally, by positioning yourself as a co-creator (albeit subconsciously) in some sort of conflict, you are bringing yourself into alignment with the universe that you can co-create – or manifest – something that may be more nurturing or expansive – abundance, joy, love and beauty.

I’ve been blessed with many miracles on the back of using it. Difficult conversations within the family or work have become easier and at times, enjoyable. There is a sense of ease and harmony within me and I feel more at peace – or even compassion –  towards others who I feel may have wronged me. I sleep better as my mind isn’t taunting me and there is joy in relationships that were previously challenging.

If you find it is outside your reach, please get in touch so we can clear anything that is in the way of you accessing this space.